Kell 's Blog

I want to tell you a little tale. As you know, I’m a holistic health practitioner and life coach and I strive to live a harmonious life and walk my talk. But there was a time in my not so distant past when I lived so off my path, it was a wonder I could walk at all! I knew about purpose and the idea of doing what you came to the earth to do; the problem was, I didn’t know how to get there.

In 2013, I opened a small restaurant in a rural, but heavily trafficked area during the high season, or May-October. What started as just a small passion project quickly took off at an unbelievable rate and while outwardly successful, there were some early structural cracks in the foundation. Side note, but one of my favorite quotes coincidentally, is “what starts out wrong, ends up wrong.” But as the business grew, so did our team and as such, the demands on my time. I never got back around to addressing the infrastructure but that’s a topic for another time. Or not.

As I’ve written about before, I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life and have been quite candid about my time in therapy. It remains one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself and I’ll forever be grateful to my therapist and the process of EMDR. In doing the work, I was finally able to get very clear on what direction my life was headed and what direction I wanted it to be going in. When I tell you it was the difference between the North Pole and South America, I am not exaggerating! My days back then consisted of high stress, fear of answering the telephone, panic when equipment would fail, employee issues, and frequent trips to the supply house when something failed to make the delivery truck just hours before the first guest arrived. Additionally, since our business relied on tourists’ visiting the nearby wineries and biking the popular trail behind our place, I also had to constantly monitor (and fret about) the weather to know how to staff and when to cancel musicians since a crappy forecast would drastically alter the guest count.

The life I wanted to be living consisted of being in private practice helping others with their health and life goals. I had trained in nutrition and life coaching with the intention of doing just that as soon as the restaurant was stable enough for me to step away somewhat, but there was simply never time to put that training to use. I envisioned mornings filled with peace, coffee and meditation, after I consulted with my higher power before heading off to an office I loved and felt greatly inspired to go to each day. I thought about the help, healing and inspiration I could offer the world through a podcast. I fantasized about a call-in radio show where I could offer guidance and hope to many. I saw myself on a stage speaking to thousands of people all coming together with one goal in mind: holistic health and healing.

The trouble was, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what to do to get there. But I knew if I didn’t figure it out, the “life of me” was sure to drain away in front of my eyes. I started to ask myself what it would look like to just close the restaurant at the end of the season and never re-open. I began to really feel into the space of a decision like that. How would it feel? Would I be excited? Feel free? You bet your ass I was excited, and boy did I ever experience a feeling of freedom! But ego is a curious thing and its sole job is to protect us from what it feels could mean our immediate demise, and almost as soon came the inevitable and fear-based “what if” questions: what if it’s a mistake? What if I regret it? HOW will I do it? Do I sell it? Will I lose my ass on the deal, or even worse- will I lose my pride and self-esteem?

I decided to sit with the feelings and all the questions for a time. Get still and get honest. And then I began to ask myself the hard questions. Was the misery I felt owning and operating this restaurant be serving me in any way? Was it protecting me from doing what I knew I was meant to do? Because after all, as Marianne Williamson says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” By staying in the restaurant industry, I couldn’t go after my passions and therefore would never have to answer the question of just who in the hell I thought I was deciding to be happy. By staying in the restaurant industry, I could continue to justify an increasing dependence on alcohol and a decreasing connection to everyone in my life.

Looking back, it wasn’t a single incident that sealed the deal. Not a final catastrophe that clinched it for me. It felt more like a shift in consciousness. After much inner debate and role playing, I was clear on exactly what needed to happen. I needed to pivot. So, the decision was made, and a broker was called. I very tearfully had some heartbreaking conversations with my trusted management team, some of which had been with me from the beginning. With every next step, a weight was lifted. The rest, as they say is history.

I wish I could say that today I’m on the air, on a podcast and on a stage. I cannot just yet- YET being the operative word in this statement. I can tell you quite happily that I finally opened my private practice on one of my favorite streets in one of my favorite towns in Missouri. Life feels amazing and expansive. Every time I think about where I once was and where I am today, my eyes fill with tears and I have to swallow hard around the lump of gratitude in my throat. Some days are still terrifying when I think about some of the goals on my vision board, but I’m clear on my “why” and I’m going for my happiness. I pick me for my own team.

All power to the pivot.
 
ps- these days, my mornings are totally filled with peace, coffee, meditation & a pow-wow with my higher power!

Namaste